Motton!

Avril, as-tu disparu de la surface de la terre??

Yes, I'm still alive

Well as John has pointed out in his comment on my last post, I haven't posted ina month. The reason is very simple: My dad was here until last thursday, and I didn't spend much time on the computer. It was a great three weeks, my dad is really a great guest, and I would have kept him 2 weeks longer!! :)

It was hard when he left, because before he came to visit, it was as if I was living in a parallel universe or something, completely cut off from my family and friends from home. Now that he was actually here (the first one to visit me), I really REALLY felt home sick.

THe second week that my dad was here my bf came back from spain and marocco. It was really good to see each other again.

University has started last week on wednesday, so this will me my first full week of the summer semester. I think I'm starting to get the handle of the uni here, although I'm still in shock that I've actually managed to pass all my exams (in german) last semester...

On a lighter note, there is an erotic fair here in Berlin, in my neighbourhood. There are posters everywhere advertising in and it in the Max-Schmeling-Halle. Yesterday as I'm walking home from work, I see a bunch of 17 year old boys, looking all awkward, and one comes up to me and asks "Excuse me, could you tell me how to get to the Max-Schmeling-Halle?" I know I'm evil, but I just couldn't resist... Me, fairly loud: " The Max-Schmeling-Halle? Oh, you mean the Erotic Fair! ..." and then I proceded to giving them directions, though I don't know if any of them actually listened to me, they were busy examining their shoes and becoming bright red. Na, anyways you have to be 18 to get in.

Last night I played poker with a couple of friends until 4 am...

Thats it for now, enjoy the spring, here flowers are blooming and trees are in flowers!!

daddy's girl

My daddy's coming over in ... one week!! Yep, next friday I will be picking my dad up at the airport! Haven't seen him in 9 months!! I'm such a daddy's girl...

And the BF is coming back from Spain/Marocco one week later. Man, it went by so fast! What did I do in the last weeks? Work and party. Sometimes separately, sometimes at the same time. Yeah, I know, I love my job...

I just LOVE it when it's early evening, I don't feel like working that much, and my boss calls me into the kitchen and asks... Champagne or Vodka?

I work in a very small real estate company which caters to rich/famous people here in Berlin. We work from my bosses house in Grunewald, the nicest neighbourhood in Berlin. We work when we want, for how long we want, cook for one another, drink together, laugh together, cry together... 10 people between 23 and 60 years old... We speak all together 8 different languages, come from different origins...

Not your typical german company.

God I love my job.

Curious George

okay, so.. who's out there? just out of curiosity, if you are reading this post, please leave a comment....

wow

I just reread my last post and realized it sounds really bad. Just wanted to say, trust me, it's not as bad as it seems. Just needed to vent a bit. We did speak again on the phone later and sort things out. We're just so much opposites. He is so rational, I am totally emotional. For him, when he decided to go to spain during the semester break, he was thinking about his spanish, which he really needed to improve now, or lose it for good. He knew he would miss me, but since he can't change the situation, better not think about it and keep busy. I tick the other way around... As in "how can you leave for 6 weeks if you love me? won't you miss me?" Instead of thinking "what the heck!" and just make the most of it, my emotions are so strong, I miss him so much that sometimes it overpowers me.

Basically, we both miss each other but have a drastically different approach of the situation, and I muss admit, I am mad at him for leaving, which I did not acknowledge before. so there you go.

therapy in a box.

am I normal?

My Emotions

Sometimes i just can't take it anymore. Sometimes I just can't take it. He is in Spain, spends the saturday on the beach, having a vacation (language vacation to learn spanish). He chooses to just ignore me when I need him. It's so convenient to just fly away, ignoring my hurt and my wishes concerning his vacation. It's so easy to just shut his cell phone off and ignore my sms or calls. It's so easy for him to tell me on the phone that I should appreciate the LUXURY that I have, being in my home, where there's heating. excuse me? my luxury? staying alone in berlin to work because HE's gone to spain and marocco and doesn't know when he's coming back?

when you have a relationship, you don't just shut the other person out when you don't feel like it anymore.

I just couldn't take it anymore. I cried on the phone because I was so angry and I heard him chuckle in the background. Well, my evening here is going to be splendid, how about yours?

Sometimes I just feel like packing my bags and going home.

Been singing the same song my whole life long

I've contacted a voice coach and will most probably be starting again to sing in the next weeks. I've missed it so much, I had burried a part of me without noticing it.

My voice is my only way of truly expressing myself. My most vulnerable point and my greatest strength come out through it.

I need this.

Live with Me

great, great song by masters Massive Attack, featuring a brilliant performance from Terry Callier. This song is worth your money.

It don't matter, when you turn
Gonna survive, live and learn.
I've been thinking about you baby
By the light of dawn, and in my blues
Day and night, I been missing you

I've been thinking about you baby,
Almost makes me crazy,
Come and live with me

Either way, win or lose,
When you're born into trouble you live the blues

I've been thinking about you baby

See it almost makes me crazy child
Nothing's right if you ain't here
I'd give all that I have just to, keep you near
I wrote you a letter and tried to make it clear
That you just don't believe that, I'm sincere.

I've been thinking about you baby...

Plans and schemes, hopes and fears
Dreams i've denied for all these years

I've been thinking about you babe, living with me, well.....
I've been thinking about you baby, makes me wanna...child

Nothing's right, if you ain't here
I give all that I have just to keep you near
I wrote you a letter darlin', trying to make it clear
How much you just don't believe that I'm sincere.
Thinking about you baby, I want you near me

Push

Push just a little too late
Is this what you want? What you need?
Is this what you wanted me to be?
Always loved me strapped to you
Lock it down and drive me through
Push just a little too late
I wanted more than this
I expected more than this

(lyrics from canadian band Moist, song "Push")

Alone / Strong

The Bf is away in Spain / Marocco for the next 6 weeks.

Being alone reminds how much he is more than my bf, he is my roommate, my confidante, my best friend. He really knows who I am.

Being alone reminds me who I am.

Being alone reminds me how hard I have worked to be where I am. My close friends will understand - where could I have landed? Junkie? Sex worker? Sex addict? Who knows... Through my battles I always thought something had "saved" me. What I didn't understand then is that what saved me is actually myself. I always attributed my victories to someone else - my bf coming in to my life at a key moment, changing its direction... I changed its direction.

I changed my direction. It takes courage to recognize that you are responsible for your hapiness, whether you're happy... or not.

I will always remember the worst night of my life, which proved to be the night which would bring me the most tools to deal with life and learn to be happy. That night people whom I care dearly about were 500% there for me and I promised myself one thing: that I would use this "bad" experience to help others and turn it into something positive.

Here is my message to anyone reading this: if ever, in your life, something happens, bad, horrible experiences, there is a reason to it that only you can find. You can always turn a bad experience into a learning opportunity: your ATTITUDE determines it all. trust me. You can choose to stop being the victim and become the healer.

your choice.

Carnaval! / Karneval!

I spent the last couple of days at Carnaval in Cologne... That was a great way to wind down from the exams! You have never seen so much beer, so many costumed drunken people sing, dance, party together

many parades, much much beer. The "kölsch" beer made in the region is really good! During Carnaval everybody is pretty much allowed to do what they want. You drink beer from right after lunch ( when you wake up) til the early hours of the morning).

young or old, everybody parties together.

At the "Rosenmontag" parade there are so many people! People gather around at the windows and the parade people throw candies at eveyone... It's like Halloween for adults with beer.



I'm speechless.

Geil, oder???

Kölle Alaaf!

News

I thought I would give you guys a bit of news about wht's going on in my life... I will be having my first exams over the next two weeks... Most of which are in German. I signed up for four of them... Other students say I'm crazy. I'll just give it my best. Up to now a lot of people have told me I was being crazy in my decisions, especially over the past 2 years, but up to know it's always proved to be the right decisions, so why not try? I think I can.

After the exams I will be visiting Cologne for the Carnaval, which promises to be a great way of celebrating the semester's end and the winter/spring vacation. Then I'm on vacation (read: no uni) for march and most of april. I will be working a lot to put some cash aside and be able to go home in september. My dad's coming to visit me 3 weeks in april. My boyfriend is going to Spain for 3 weeks and then travelling through Spain and Marocco for another 3 weeks. For those of you who will ask me if something's wrong or if i'm jealous, I'm telling you already: believe me, we have seen worse. We are THE team. Seriously.

I've decided to use this time for myself, start working out seriously again, seeing my friends and basically just taking life as it comes. I think it'll be a great opportunity for him to travel alone and rediscover himself, and for me to take better care of myself and miss him a bit. I know already when he comes back it will be just like we were fresh in love. It always is. Relationships and people need space. If you let your true love completely and honestly go and live enriching experiences, believe me, he will come running back to you.

It feels great to know that someone gets up every morning and consciously makes the choice to be with me, just the same as I do. It doesn't mean our relationship was always perfect, and we did have some rough spots but somehow our love has become so strong through them.

Not so bad for almost 5 years, huh? I wish we'll continue to evolve together and be able to be ourselves within the relationship just as we are able to now in 20 years...

Happy Valentine's Day and as a gift to the people you love, I suggest giving them space and acceptance, letting them be all they can and develop their potential. It's the best gift in my book.

speed of sound

coldplay

How long before I get in?
Before it starts, before I begin?
How long before you decide?
Before I know what it feels like?
Where To, where do I go?
If you never try, then you'll never know.
How long do I have to climb,
Up on the side of this mountain of mine?

Look up, I look up at night,
Planets are moving at the speed of light.
Climb up, up in the trees,
every chance that you get,
is a chance you seize.
How long am I gonna stand,
with my head stuck under the sand?
I'll start before I can stop,
before I see things the right way up.

All that noise, and all that sound,
All those places I got found.
And birds go flying at the speed of sound,
to show you how it all began.
Birds came flying from the underground,
if you could see it then you'd understand?

Ideas that you'll never find,
All the inventors could never design.
The buildings that you put up,
Japan and China all lit up.
The sign that I couldn't read,
or a light that I couldn't see,
some things you have to believe,
but others are puzzles, puzzling me.

All that noise, and all that sound,
All those places I got found.
And birds go flying at the speed of sound,
to show you how it all began.
Birds came flying from the underground,
if you could see it then you'd understand,
ah when you see it then you'll understand?

All those signs, I knew what they meant.
Some things you can invent.
Some get made, and some get sent,
Ooh?
Birds go flying at the speed of sound,
to show you how it all began.
Birds came flying from the underground,
if you could see it then you'd understand,
ah, when you see it then you'll understand?

Appreciating Happiness

Has it ever happened to you to just be walking in the street, sitting at home, in the subway, wherever, and just thinking:

"I am so happy"

"I feel so fulfilled"

"I know I am where am I meant to be"?

Well, to me it has been happening more and more often. Every choice I make, every opportunity I receive, every smile I discover on my own lips, not even knowing it was there... These are bits and pieces of happiness.

Life has been telling me I have been making right decisions. Through new opportunities, signs, coincidences (which actually aren't)... I appreciate it so much. I'm in love with my life right now, and never want this feeling to stop.

I'm not saying I'm satisfied and happy 24 hours a day. I'm just saying I have somehow learned to accept the moments of sadness and unsatisfaction as either chances to learn and improve or a lesson to be able to appreciate to its full extent the next moment of pure bliss.

I have made the decision to be happy in my life. Yes, it is a decision.

I have chosen myself.

and it feels great.

Under Pressure

What is pressure?

Is it the deadlines we don't meet?

The ones we accept well knowing we won't be able to meet them?

Is it the tone in the boss/spouses voice when you walk in the door?

The tone in the messages on the answering machine?

The guilt when we see the number on caller id and don't answer?


I think the only real pressure we experience is the one we put on ourselves. It's not the external factors, triggers and situations that make us react this way, it's actually our own reaction that is the key element, the source. We cannot control ourselves completely, never will be able too, never be able to control the external world.

What if the key to it would be letting everything go? To stop the continuous flow of images in our head and just experience the silence.

enjoy the silence (depeche mode)

I aspire to interior peace and hope one day I will be able to fully let go.

can you?