daddy's girl

My daddy's coming over in ... one week!! Yep, next friday I will be picking my dad up at the airport! Haven't seen him in 9 months!! I'm such a daddy's girl...

And the BF is coming back from Spain/Marocco one week later. Man, it went by so fast! What did I do in the last weeks? Work and party. Sometimes separately, sometimes at the same time. Yeah, I know, I love my job...

I just LOVE it when it's early evening, I don't feel like working that much, and my boss calls me into the kitchen and asks... Champagne or Vodka?

I work in a very small real estate company which caters to rich/famous people here in Berlin. We work from my bosses house in Grunewald, the nicest neighbourhood in Berlin. We work when we want, for how long we want, cook for one another, drink together, laugh together, cry together... 10 people between 23 and 60 years old... We speak all together 8 different languages, come from different origins...

Not your typical german company.

God I love my job.

Curious George

okay, so.. who's out there? just out of curiosity, if you are reading this post, please leave a comment....

wow

I just reread my last post and realized it sounds really bad. Just wanted to say, trust me, it's not as bad as it seems. Just needed to vent a bit. We did speak again on the phone later and sort things out. We're just so much opposites. He is so rational, I am totally emotional. For him, when he decided to go to spain during the semester break, he was thinking about his spanish, which he really needed to improve now, or lose it for good. He knew he would miss me, but since he can't change the situation, better not think about it and keep busy. I tick the other way around... As in "how can you leave for 6 weeks if you love me? won't you miss me?" Instead of thinking "what the heck!" and just make the most of it, my emotions are so strong, I miss him so much that sometimes it overpowers me.

Basically, we both miss each other but have a drastically different approach of the situation, and I muss admit, I am mad at him for leaving, which I did not acknowledge before. so there you go.

therapy in a box.

am I normal?

My Emotions

Sometimes i just can't take it anymore. Sometimes I just can't take it. He is in Spain, spends the saturday on the beach, having a vacation (language vacation to learn spanish). He chooses to just ignore me when I need him. It's so convenient to just fly away, ignoring my hurt and my wishes concerning his vacation. It's so easy to just shut his cell phone off and ignore my sms or calls. It's so easy for him to tell me on the phone that I should appreciate the LUXURY that I have, being in my home, where there's heating. excuse me? my luxury? staying alone in berlin to work because HE's gone to spain and marocco and doesn't know when he's coming back?

when you have a relationship, you don't just shut the other person out when you don't feel like it anymore.

I just couldn't take it anymore. I cried on the phone because I was so angry and I heard him chuckle in the background. Well, my evening here is going to be splendid, how about yours?

Sometimes I just feel like packing my bags and going home.

Been singing the same song my whole life long

I've contacted a voice coach and will most probably be starting again to sing in the next weeks. I've missed it so much, I had burried a part of me without noticing it.

My voice is my only way of truly expressing myself. My most vulnerable point and my greatest strength come out through it.

I need this.

Live with Me

great, great song by masters Massive Attack, featuring a brilliant performance from Terry Callier. This song is worth your money.

It don't matter, when you turn
Gonna survive, live and learn.
I've been thinking about you baby
By the light of dawn, and in my blues
Day and night, I been missing you

I've been thinking about you baby,
Almost makes me crazy,
Come and live with me

Either way, win or lose,
When you're born into trouble you live the blues

I've been thinking about you baby

See it almost makes me crazy child
Nothing's right if you ain't here
I'd give all that I have just to, keep you near
I wrote you a letter and tried to make it clear
That you just don't believe that, I'm sincere.

I've been thinking about you baby...

Plans and schemes, hopes and fears
Dreams i've denied for all these years

I've been thinking about you babe, living with me, well.....
I've been thinking about you baby, makes me wanna...child

Nothing's right, if you ain't here
I give all that I have just to keep you near
I wrote you a letter darlin', trying to make it clear
How much you just don't believe that I'm sincere.
Thinking about you baby, I want you near me

Push

Push just a little too late
Is this what you want? What you need?
Is this what you wanted me to be?
Always loved me strapped to you
Lock it down and drive me through
Push just a little too late
I wanted more than this
I expected more than this

(lyrics from canadian band Moist, song "Push")

Alone / Strong

The Bf is away in Spain / Marocco for the next 6 weeks.

Being alone reminds how much he is more than my bf, he is my roommate, my confidante, my best friend. He really knows who I am.

Being alone reminds me who I am.

Being alone reminds me how hard I have worked to be where I am. My close friends will understand - where could I have landed? Junkie? Sex worker? Sex addict? Who knows... Through my battles I always thought something had "saved" me. What I didn't understand then is that what saved me is actually myself. I always attributed my victories to someone else - my bf coming in to my life at a key moment, changing its direction... I changed its direction.

I changed my direction. It takes courage to recognize that you are responsible for your hapiness, whether you're happy... or not.

I will always remember the worst night of my life, which proved to be the night which would bring me the most tools to deal with life and learn to be happy. That night people whom I care dearly about were 500% there for me and I promised myself one thing: that I would use this "bad" experience to help others and turn it into something positive.

Here is my message to anyone reading this: if ever, in your life, something happens, bad, horrible experiences, there is a reason to it that only you can find. You can always turn a bad experience into a learning opportunity: your ATTITUDE determines it all. trust me. You can choose to stop being the victim and become the healer.

your choice.

Carnaval! / Karneval!

I spent the last couple of days at Carnaval in Cologne... That was a great way to wind down from the exams! You have never seen so much beer, so many costumed drunken people sing, dance, party together

many parades, much much beer. The "kölsch" beer made in the region is really good! During Carnaval everybody is pretty much allowed to do what they want. You drink beer from right after lunch ( when you wake up) til the early hours of the morning).

young or old, everybody parties together.

At the "Rosenmontag" parade there are so many people! People gather around at the windows and the parade people throw candies at eveyone... It's like Halloween for adults with beer.



I'm speechless.

Geil, oder???

Kölle Alaaf!